Thank you, Doroteja Quon, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then we watched all of the episodes of Masters of Horror in a row in anticipation of Halloween, including the 13th episode that was too intense to be shown on TV, and now we’re too scared to leave our cubicles. Please, don’t disembowel us with a shrimp fork!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Talk About An Inconvenient Spin!
With President Bill Clinton’s Global Initiative and Vice President Al Gore’s environmental crusade featured in the film An Inconvenient Truth, the pair is doing more to make the world a better place than the current officeholders. However, to be fair, Clinton and Gore are doing more to make the world a better place than they did when they were in office, too.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1102749855266460.xml]
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Is It Hot In Here, Or is It Just My Politics?
In response to Hugo Chavez’ statement that “The devil came here yesterday. It smells of sulphur still today,” John Bolton, the American ambassador to the United Nations responded, “We’re not going to address that kind of comic strip approach to international affairs.”
On the Absurd Ironyometer, this rates above Satan rubbing his hands in glee and thoughtfully saying, “You know what? I feel like a barbecue,” and below Idi Amin saying, “Great! A barbecue! Can I bring my own meat?” But, not that far below.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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And, I Did Not Have Relations With Any Of Them
“I did not have relations with that woman.”
– President Clinton, on Monica Lewinsky
“I did not have relations with that man.”
– Saddam Hussein, on the Bush administration’s continued efforts to link him to Al Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I May Be Slow, But I Am Trying To Learn From The Master
“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.” (President George W. Bush)
Is Iraq in the midst of a civil war?
Is Iraq in the midst of a civil war yet?
How about now? Is Iraq in the midst of a civil war now?
How about now? Can we call the violence in Iraq a civil war now?
Shouldn’t we admit that Iraq is now engaged in a civil war?
Why aren’t we admitting that Iraq is now engaged in a civil war?
Isn’t Iraq in the middle of a civil war, now? Hunh? Isn’t it?
Iraqis are killing more of each other than they are “coalition” forces. By far – dozens every day, sometimes over 100. Doesn’t that sound less like an insurgency and more like a civil war?
Really, isn’t Iraq in the midst of a civil war?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Typically Canadian – The Technology, We Mean
Researchers using the latest imaging technology believe they have solved the mystery of Mona Lisa’s enigmatic smile. Apparently, she was dating Tie Domi.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56238133665]
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No Child’s Behind Left
Allegations are surfacing that army recruiters, now allowed to go into high schools to find people willing to fight in Iraq, have been raping enlistees. The military categorically denies that this is true.
“This is categorically untrue,” Colonel Hank Messerschmidt, on inactive duty in Ford Ord, stated. “Although, when you think about it, what could be better than molesting somebody who will soon be shipping out to a foreign land. Even if they survive, they’ll be so traumatized that pressing charges against you will be the least of their concerns. And, now that I come to think of it, raping recruits Stateside surely beats having to go into combat for the opportunity to rape enemies. I mean, war zones are dangerous!”
“But, that’s, uhh, not our policy,” Colonel Messerschmidt added.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49831-2006Sept42.html]
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Free The London…Err…One!
“I have settled into my new life as a freedom fighter.”
– Conrad Black
Hey, man, have you signed the petition? Have you given to the Save the Billionaires Fund? Would you be willing to go to a midnight vigil to, like, protest the obvious miscarriage of justice by an overzealous bureaucracy that clearly hates the wealthy? Man? Or, maybe, like, taking into account that you’re too busy running the world, send your chauffeur or butler to the midnight vigil instead? You should seriously consider doing something, man, to show your solidarity with Conrad Black in this, like, his hour of darkness and need, man.
Because Conrad Black is not fighting for the right of a single entrepreneur to plunder his company for his own personal gain without consequence. No! He’s fighting for the right of any entrepreneur who has ever considered plundering his company for his own personal gain without consequence! And, like, he needs our support, man! The man needs us to help him fight the man, man!
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB113413397491118404,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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The Texas Mommy Massacre: The Real Story
Bleary-eyed Blog:
The thing is, you know in the back of your mind that you didn’t put a pumpkin in the baby’s crib. I mean, why would you? But, when confronted with a pumpkin where the baby should be, you just kind of go with it.
The pumpkin was making loud squealing noises as I took it out of the crib and put it on the cutting board in the kitchen. This should have been another clue that something was terribly, terribly wrong: my experience is that pumpkins protest their imminent disembowelment with a deep rumbling sigh. I must have thought it was too young or something.
Phillip, bleary-eyed, came into the kitchen and yelled “What are you doing?”
“Carving the pumpkin,” I mumbled.
“It’s not Halloween!” he shouted. “And, that’s no pumpkin, that’s our son!”
Yeah, well, after 80 hours without sleep, anybody could have made that mistake.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20060932.eladvote0932_@/BNStory/thatslifeCatastrophe2006/]
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This Just In: Saturday Night Live Is Still Dead
11:30. NBC. Saturday Night Live. The season premiere of the ancient sketch comedy show opens with a parody of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, which is based loosely on the behind the scenes lives of people who run an ancient sketch comedy show based on Saturday Night Live. The cast disappears up their own self-referential assholes, and the rest of the 90 minutes is filled with reruns of old John Belushi Samurai sketches.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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